Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Comedy in Redwood City, Wednesday, August 1


I will be appearing in Erikka Innes' Comedy Showcase at Destinations, 2650 Broadway Street, Redwood City, on Wednesday, August 1. Show begins at 8 pm. Free admission.

Coming up -

Saturday, August 4, 6 pm, $5, New Faces of Comedy at The Clubhouse, 414 Mason Street, SF
Saturday, August 4, 8:30 pm, $10 at 50 Mason, located at (duh) 50 Mason Street, SF
Wednesday, August 8, 8 pm, $5, hosting Hump Day Comedy at The Clubhouse

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Two Chances To See Me on Saturday July 28, 4 PM and 8 PM


I am hosting the SFCC Grad Show at the Clubhouse, 414 Mason Street, 7th floor (between Geary and Post) this Saturday, July 28 at 4 PM. $10. Purchase tix at the door or in advance at http://brownpapertickets.com/event/17702/

If you do not carry money on Shabbat, let me know that you are coming. I will leave your name at the door and you can pay after the weekend is over.

Later that evening, at 8 PM, I'll be at the Q Comedy Showcase at the Jon Sims Center, 1519 Mission Street (between 11th and South Van Ness) - Hosted by everyone's favorite Daddy, Tony Koester! $8-15 sliding scale

The Grad Show is a blast, don't miss it!

Coming Up:

Wednesday, August 1 - Destinations, 2500 Broadway Street, Redwood City, 8:00 PM. Free.

Hosting Hump Day Comedy New Talent Showcase at the Clubhouse on Wednesday, August 8. $5

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Zichrona l'vracha (may her memory be for a blessing)


Tamara Faye LaValley Bakker Messner (1942 - 2007)

Among other acts to her credit and to her memory - in a move that sharply distinguished her from other televangelists, she showed a more tolerant attitude when it came to homosexuals, and she featured people living with AIDS on her show, urging her viewers to show sympathy and pray for the sick.

“I refuse to label people,” Ms. Messner said in a 2000 documentary, “The Eyes of Tammy Faye,” when asked about her attitudes toward gay rights. “We’re all just people made out of the same old dirt, and God didn’t make any junk.”

Friday, July 20, 2007

I Want To Be On Tyra!


Hey! Don't cha'all think it's about time Tyra Banks booked a gay, religious, rockin' and rollin' Jewish stand-up comic on her show?! I do too!

Tyra! Book me now, we'll have a blast!

Contact Tyra by mailto:tyrabanks@studiofanmail.com and tell her to "book Kenny Altman now!"

Thanks, shabbat shalom to all,

Kenny A.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Hairspray - The Movie of the Musical - I'm Pissed!


Last night on Letterman I saw a clip of John Travolta as Edna Turnblad, attempting to sing “Welcome to the 60s” from the movie version of the musical Hairspray, set to hit theatres tomorrow.

I'm pissed.

Why the f*** didn't they give that role to Harvey Fierstein? Harvey Fierstein (pictured above) defined that role. Not to mention that Travolta can’t frikking sing his way out of an Englewood, New Jersey Shop-rite shopping bag.

Harvey Fierstein - good. John Travolta - bad, very bad. Plus Travolta was so full of himself on Letterman that I was surprised Letterman didn't cut to commercial and tell him to get off his high horse before the show returned. Travolta was talking about how he values the "legacy" of his role in what he claims to be "the best movie musical ever" (Grease?!) and that the Hairspray people really had to sell him on the script to get him to do it because "I know musicals." Geez, Travolta, step down off your high frikking horse and get a little humility. And while you're at it you might want to try coming out of the closet as well. (Whoops, did I say that in a public forum? I hope he doesn't sue me.)

I’m pissed and I’m not planning on seeing the movie. Not as long as John Travolta is in it.

So there!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Sunnyvale!



Come see me in the New Talent Showcase at Rooster T. Feather's, 157 W. El Camino Real in Sunnyvale, Wednesday July 18. Doors 7:15, show 8:00. Tix $10. 408/736-0921, info@roostertfeathers.com, www.roostertfeathers.com

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

We Have Lost A Great American


Lady Bird Johnson Dies
Former First Lady Was Known for Her Conservation Work
July 11, 2007 —

Lady Bird Johnson, the former first lady known for her environmental conservation and landscape beautification efforts, died today. She was 94.

The widow of former President Lyndon Baines Johnson, had suffered a stroke in 2002 that left her with difficulty speaking.

She is survived by her adult children, Lynda Bird Robb, wife of former Virginia Sen. Chuck Robb, Luci Baines Turpin, and seven grandchildren.

Born Claudia Alta Taylor, "Lady Bird" Johnson grew up in a country mansion in Karnack, Texas. As a child, a family nurse declared she was as "pretty as a ladybird." The nickname stuck.

Although Lady Bird Johnson lived much of her life in the shadow of one of the most powerful men of the 20th century, she played a pivotal role in some of the nation's most turbulent years.


Became First Lady After Kennedy's Assassination
Lyndon Baines Johnson became the 36th president when John F. Kennedy was assassinated on Nov. 22, 1963. Vice President Johnson and his wife were traveling in the motorcade through Dallas, one car behind the Kennedys.

In her 800-page book White House Diary, published in 1970 from the 1,750,000-word daily journal that detailed nearly every aspect of her and her husband's life, Johnson described the aftermath of that fateful day in Texas, the Johnson's home state, and how she tried to comfort Jackie Kennedy.

"I would have given anything to help her and there was nothing I could do to help her," Johnson said.

Johnson asked Kennedy, whose clothes were splattered with the blood of her husband, the slain president, if she could call for someone to assist her.

Johnson reported that Kennedy replied, "'I want them to see what they have done to Jack.'"

"Oh, Mrs. Kennedy," Johnson reportedly said, "You know we never even wanted to be vice president and now, dear God, it's come to this."

You can hear Lady Bird Johnson describe her thoughts and emotions on the day of Kennedy's assassination by clicking here.

The nation's new first lady did her best to ease the painful transition into the White House following the violent murder of President Kennedy.

En route to the funeral, Mrs. Johnson, again as recorded in her diary, said of the crowds filling the streets of Washington, "I wanted to cry for them and with them, but it was impossible to permit the catharsis of tears."

"I don't know why," Johnson continued, "except that one reason is perhaps the continuity of strength demands it."

You can hear Johnson's reflections on Kennedy's funeral by clicking here.


A Life of Independence and Devotion
When she was only 6 years old, Lady Bird lost her mother and was raised by her aunt. As a result, she learned to take care of herself at an early age, owning a Buick and managing a Neiman Marcus account at age 14, during some of the darkest days of the Depression.

Months after her 21st birthday, she graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a bachelor's degree in art. She stayed an extra year to earn a journalism degree, planning to become a newspaper reporter.

Her plans took another direction in the late summer of 1934 when a friend introduced her to a young Congressional aide named Lyndon Johnson. He proposed to her on the first day they spent together. She declined his offer.

He continued to court her long distance from Washington, D.C., with letters and telephone calls. They wed in November 1934, just seven weeks after their first date.

Their time was largely devoted to Lyndon's political career. Lady Bird helped keep his Congressional office open during World War II when he volunteered for Naval service, and she was actively involved in the campaign for her husband's U.S. Senate seat.

LBJ once said that voters "would happily have elected her over me."

Worried about finances should his political career fail, they invested in radio station KTBC in Austin, which started a multimillion dollar media empire and made the Johnsons wealthy over time.

In 1955, it appeared that Lyndon Johnson, then the powerful Democratic leader of the Senate, might never reach the White House.

Johnson suffered a severe heart attack and Lady Bird helped to manage the staff until he could return to his post as Majority Leader.

During the Kennedy-Johnson 1960 campaign, Lady Bird was on the campaign trail non-stop, traveling 35,000 miles on behalf of the Democratic ticket.

As wife of the vice president under Kennedy, Lady Bird became an ambassador of goodwill, visiting 33 foreign countries.

As the new first lady, she established her own stamp of Southern hospitality on White House social events and built a reputation as a champion of environmental causes.

She immersed herself in efforts to beautify the capital and the nation.

"Ugliness is so grim," Johnson once said. "A little beauty can help create harmony, which will lessen tensions."


A Friend of Nature & Children
Deeply appreciative of America's natural beauty, Johnson recognized the opportunity to start a nationwide revitalization effort that involved restoring and protecting native plant habitats.

In the mid-1960s, she made headlines by planting bulbs and trees along roadsides and parkways and by calling attention to the growing crisis created by habitat and species loss.

She created the First Lady's Committee for a More Beautiful Capital and later expanded her program. Her work in Washington served as an introduction for the first major legislative campaign ever launched by a first lady - the Highway Beautification Act of 1965.

Known as "Lady Bird's Bill," it was the first milestone in a long list of accomplishments that protected the environment and had a dramatic impact on the American landscape.

Mrs. Johnson also took a highly active role in her husband's war-on-poverty program, the Great Society, notably advocating for the Head Start project for disadvantaged preschool children.



A Quiet Retirement
LBJ won his first full term in the White House in the 1964 election. His administration saw passage of major civil rights, anti-poverty, education and health-care legislation as part of the "Great Society" program.

But the escalation of U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War cast a shadow over his term. With nearly 500,000 U.S. troops battling the Viet Cong and North Vietnamese forces in March 1968, Vietnam forced Johnson to abandon thoughts of re-election.

Lady Bird agreed, wanting to retire and live quietly. The couple moved to their L.B.J. Ranch in Texas, where they lived quietly. The former president died in 1973.

Lady Bird Johnson's love for native wildflowers inspired her to create the National Wildflower Research Center in 1982 near Austin, Texas. It was renamed in her honor in 1998.

She remained outspoken on women's rights issues, calling the equal rights amendment, "the right thing to do." She was honored with the country's highest civilian award: the Medal of Freedom in 1977, and was given the Congressional Gold Medal in 1988.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

More Of Why I Love Joan Jett So Much


Check out this lyric, which comes in at 2:37 in the song, "Love Like Mine" (although of course you should listen to the entire song!) E-mail me for an MP3 if you want to hear it.

I'm not the girl next door, oh no,
I wake up mean and ornery.
Don't try to make me straight,
you'll see what hell that's gonna be.


Joanie, I loved you then, I love you now, and I always will!

Here's another of my many reasons for loving Joan - www.kennyaltman.blogspot.com/2006/12/why-i-love-joan-jett-so-much.html

Thursday, July 05, 2007

July is Busting Out All Over


Saturday, July 7 – New Faces of Comedy at the Clubhouse in SF
Wednesday, July 11 – Hump Day Comedy at the Clubhouse in SF
Wednesday, July 18 – New Talent Showcase at Rooster T. Feather’s, Sunnyvale

This is just a smattering of the many places you’ll be able to see me this month. I am putting an extra big push on the Sunnyvale date. If you can get down there I’d be most appreciative. It’s my first time doing their New Talent Showcase. It’s a great room and I’d love to be able to show them that I’m a “bringer." It's important in this biz and it helps with bookings down the line.

Details on my myspace page at www.myspace.com/kennyaltman

Thanks for coming out to support live comedy and thanks to my crack medical team for continuing to renew and monitor my meds - they work like a charm 94% of the time!

Kenny A.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The Best Thing About The Declaration of Independence...



...is that New Jersey is included! Yo, Jersey! You're the best! You gave us Bruce Springsteen and Lesley Gore! New Jersey will always be my favorite of the 13 colonies. Which was your favorite colony? Send me mail at www.myspace.com/kennyaltman
Remember - you can only vote for one of the following colonies. Winners will be announced July 11, 2007. Let's go, Jersey!

1. New Jersey (pssst, this is the one to vote for!)
2. Massachusetts
3. Rhode Island
4. Connecticut
5. New York
6. Pennsylvania
7. Georgia
8. South Carolina
9. North Carolina
10. Virginia
11. Maryland
12. Delaware
13. New Hampshire

_______________________________________________
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands, which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain Inalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let the Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness of his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

* New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
* Massachusetts: Samuel Adams, John Adams, John Hancock, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
* Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
* Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
* New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
* New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
* Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
* Delaware: George Read, Caesar Rodney, Thomas McKean
* Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
* Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
* North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn
* South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
* Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton